.

Buy me a coffee

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Trending on this blog

My Books

Esther Spurrill Jones's books on Goodreads

My Pinboards

Follow Me on Pinterest

Reading Challenge

2014 Reading Challenge

2014 Reading Challenge
Esther has read 11 books toward her goal of 50 books.
hide

Blog Catalogue

Writers Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory

Scribophile

Scribophile, the online writing group for serious writers
Esther Spurrill Jones. Powered by Blogger.
05 March 2012
Campaigner Challenge #2
The second challenge for the Writing Campaign can be seen here. I wrote a scene with two characters from one of my WiPs. For another piece on Lance, see here. I would love feedback on this piece if you are so inclined. Please critique.

Christopher groaned and leaned back against the rusty supports under the crumbling bridge, gripping his blood-soaked leg. Lance tore a strip from the hem of his once immaculate white shirt, and wrapped it tightly around the gash. The red flow slowed, and Lance’s shoulders sagged as he sat back on his heels, brushing back his sopping, muddy hair. Though he had once been human, he often forgot how fragile the species were, like a burst of fireworks or like ripples in a pond—beautiful, yet fleeting.
Lance stared at the river, imagining that he saw shapes in the random patterns of water: a heart, a winking eye, a pear … then his gaze caught on the thin red line that joined the river near his right foot. He and his brother had once owned jackets in that shade, given by their mother for an early birthday. Raoul had been so proud of that coat! The twins had gone down to the seaside and were building forts with the small rocks that littered the shore when Raoul had slipped and fallen in. Lance had panicked, plunging in to pull his brother out, but Raoul was only worried about his new coat.

16 comments:

Cherie Reich said...

Aww! Great piece! I love the line: Though he had once been human, he often forgot how fragile the species were, like a burst of fireworks or like ripples in a pond—beautiful, yet fleeting.

Ashley Nixon said...

Aww. Very well written, and so many great lines! I like the name Raoul.

Kevin Hiatt said...

Interesting imagrey with the red coat and the fireworks/ripples in a pond. Very poetic and conjures up the scene in my mind. Nicely done.

Kevin (#19)

Julia King said...

Great job!

Morgan said...

So clever with imagining the images and fitting that pear in there! Loved it. Really great work here ;)

Tara Tyler said...

great scene! wonder what happens next!

Jarm Del Boccio said...

Well done, Esther...I'm giving you a thumbs up! If you get the chance, check out my entry #70

Lady Gwen said...

The red coat was especially touching. Very well done. New follower here:)

Carrie Butler said...

"...like a burst of fireworks or like ripples in a pond—beautiful, yet fleeting." I love that! Great work! :)

Melissa said...

Nice use of the prompts and lovely writing. ; )
Melissa Maygrove #14

Daniel Noyes said...

I love stories about twins - they share such an amazing connection which enhances the emotional impact. Nice job!

C.M.Brown said...

Very well written, well done!

Michelle Pickett said...

Nicely done! I loved the imagery of "his once immaculate white shirt" and "he sat back on his heels, brushing back his sopping, muddy hair." I could almost see it happening.

I loved the insertion of the twins. I'm a twin mommy so that gets me every time. :)

Michelle #74
www.michelle-pickett.com/blog

Laurie Dennison said...

This is really powerful. Lots of emotion in so few words. Great job!

Nick Wilford said...

I like the juxtaposition of the two paragraphs: the urgency of the moment and then the childhood memories. Nice job.

Traci Kenworth said...

Good job, I love the fantasy feel of it.